When I Was Small and Young

January 13th, 2019

When I was small and new
And knew no words and no words restrained my thought
each shape, each note or line of notes came quickly and in full stride —

I rode the waves of language ever novel
Each word was unexplored
and unhindered from any association —
Even the binding was done in freedom —
collecting and organizing images in array upon array

In adolescence a strange stress was impressed upon me by millions
who did not know how to escape and wandered still inside
impositions constructed by supposed necessity
How bizarre I find that many of them call upon the name of a man who bid return to the wordless womb
They spoke irreconcilable incongruities with the imitation of authority and of confidence.

Knowing only time as the measure of maturity,
I attached their toxic thoughts to mine in facile sycophancy,
to pull myself into the ranks of the ones who seemed so learned.
I have suffered to retain and not examine these the vanguards of insanity which set upon me as so many others.
I have preached their principles blindly and I pray that my apology reaches those whom I have affected.
But I know this infirmity is endemic and endogenous - no amount of apology will heal those who indulge in their own falsities,
And while I live among and upon the dying, the only life is to escape for moments, even days of ecstasy where no pathways have been carved,
Where no maps trap the traveler, where no allowance bounds.
To become alive, to feast on life, to let and in letting release the lease
Then to return and let the living burn away the death until the fire dies and it begins again